Last night while we were having sex, 'God bless the USA' started playing on his itunes. He came almost immediately... so awkward.
I almost got runover on the sidewalk by a car but wen it got closer it was a crackhead walking with the whole front of a car... bumper, lights and all... I love New York.
Yes but life is bad with poopy sheets
Drag queen told me that I have the cheek bones to do drag. That's supposed to boost my moral.
Watching the tv in the reflection of my phone cause I'm too hungover to roll over.... Yes it is 4 PM...
She started howling at the moon. That was pretty much the deal breaker.
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
He pointed at some girls and said "I'm gonna have sex with them girls over there", and disappeared.
Let's just say we ended up at Denny's with a strippers shoe that we had to discreetly leave at the door to the strip club this morning
You were throwing cups at people in the basement, yelling at them to get out of your swamp.
We could get her a gift basket of Xanax l
I've been here 11 months and i just realized i have literally never looked at my apartment/roomates sober
After pissing all over her van its a lot easier to look her in the eye than I thought.
Showed up to the airport to find my fuck buddy is on the same flight. Do you think he'd be intertested in the mile high club?
We should leave before they realize I dumped a bowl of Fritos in your bag just in case I got hungry