god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
What time do you think the pilgrims started drinking? I want to be as accurate as possible.
i DID NOT walk around with my knees bent and my hands behind my back with long spandex and underarmour pretending to be Apollo Ono
This guy just brought his piggy bank into the bar with him. Talk about corruption of childhood.
we didn't have anything to do and wanted to get our money's worth out of our costumes, so if you see two mermaids day drinking by the creek it's us
I'm hiding in a cabinet. I'm going to stay here.
To be clear, the next time I wake up with your dick inside me, I will reach down and grab one and squeeze until it pops like a grape. You've been warned.
The last thing I remember about last night was guzzling white zinfandel out of the box and eating cheese. And I was thinking OH YOU FANCY HUHHH
okay we need to get tested.
no YOU need to get tested. I'm just going along for the ride.
You left me a drunk voicemail of you describing your pizza to me at 2 AM
He made me tacos after the sex. Best date ever!
I just traded sex to frolic with a box of husky puppies. Is this rock bottom?
i left you alone for two hours TWO HOURS & when i got back i had to rush you to the hospital because you were covered in Smooth Away pads & drinking the bong water..
I walked in..crop dusted the whole place then asked her if she wanted to go to a place that smells better.
You were always a thinker
You don't have to buy me dinner, watch tv or even hang out if you don't want. Just fuck.
Randomize
