so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
All I remember is drinking vodka out of tupperware.
Mark my words im gonna be the drunkest groomsman outta spite for him having his wedding on a gameday
she went to her friend's wedding and caught the bouquet. as the unwilling rebound, can i run away now?
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Of course, you get to fuck all night while I'm stuck in the girls bathroom sucking a limp dick for coke
yeah i didn't know anyone, but i just walked in with a lit sparkler and wearing a budweiser shirt and someone handed me a beer.
So after this weekend I think I'm gonna go down on one knee and propose to my boyfriend that he give me his liver.
Well pretty sure I lost 3 of my best friends in one week. Remember when I said I wasn't sure if I was gonna be a better person or a more despicable one in 2012. Despicable wins.
You will never know an awkward moment until your parents pick you up from a one night stand.
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He said I showed up in just my underwear and a bunch of towels I stole from the party I was at.
We have a vagina exchange agreement. Neither of us can hook up with any of our own law firm's summer associates. So we have a scout and referral program and invite each other to the other firm's summer events. Criss-cross!! Works every summer.
Sorry. Not doing life today. Love to. But can't.
I am a figure skater. You should know better than to let me get drunk near any patches of ice during Olympics season.
Why the fuck is there a picture of us jumping a girl that's wearing my chicken mask?
They filled a kiddie pool with lube and glitter.