My dad just walked in on me screwing the chick from the bar...the look of relief on his face was sort of hurtful.
its simple. when his lips are on my clitoris i want to marry him. when they are speaking i want to kill him.
I wish we could tell the moving van to wait at the strip club for a while.
I was going to make out with him...then he licked syrup off the kitchen floor.
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The only alcohol in the house was a bottle of Sherry. It's like cough syrup that I shotgunned off Strawberry Shortcake's ass.
Can I color on your dick again?
The rest of the concert I just stared at the lights and didn't really listen to the music cuz I was trying to make sure my brain still worked cuz my face was numb and I couldn't move... Yeah I'm not a weed brownie person
i am one fart away from being 2 for 2 on this whole shitting my pants thing.
Can't wait to bequeath this flannel to my grandchildren someday.
'I've been using this to pick up lesbians since before you were born!'
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A nap. You broke your hand napping in Vegas.
The bend and snap? 98% success rate of getting attention. When used appropriately, it has an 83% rate of return on a dinner invitation.
We can't stop being roommates, you do such a good job of holding my hair back when I puke. I don't wanna buy hair elastics.
Just whatever you do, don't neglect the balls.
The amount of drunk I'm going to get tonight will be somewhere between Jim lahey and bojack horseman
ya I had reallllllly good sex last night too that will probably get me evicted