There's a woman here that looks like a cross between Michael Jackson and Flipper.
I consider it a successful poop when you only have to wipe once.
we started pounding beers an hour ago to celebrate our personal snow day tomorrow. vodka shots for u of i's actual decision are on standby.
I had to have my mom pick me up from the party and the windows lock was on so when I went to projectile vomit out the window it wouldn't roll down and it splashed back at my face.
My ex just sent me a message asking if she could blow me, but only if we get caught by her new bf. If she promises to swallow I'm doing it.
it looks like my getting laid tonight is going to depend on my knowledge of native birds. this is a weird party
I taped a pair of scissors and a coupon for a waxing on the door. He gets to choose.
I did sing regulators with a random black dude at The Rail without looking at the screen, hugged him and walked off stage. I pretty much live up to all expectations.
Could have had sex with an ex NFL kicker last night.
That would've been embarrassing.
I think I'm a wingman for every guy who bangs a girl I scarred in highschool.
I feel like that's something that he should've asked me over dinner..... instead of with his hand down my pants? maybe not
Do you guys think there will be a coke-for-Molly barder at bonnaroo?
Taking care of drunk people fulfills my need to be a mother
I planned out my poor life choices for the weekend.
Seeing someone hit Themselves in the balls with someone else's hand is amazing. I love being the sober one
Randomize
