Sorry I thought I was a lizard earlier.
He asked if I was on the pill, apparently I just downed my glass of beer and winked at him...
I just told my sister I love her. I'm in no condition to drive.
The interviewer had a hook for his right hand I TRIED TO SHAKE HIS HOOK WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME
Guy Shares All The ‘New Discoveries’ He’s Made Since Moving In With His Girlfriend And It’s Hilariously Relatable
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
I know. It's cray. Crayon. Crayolaaaaa.
Are the homeless actually allowed to bathe in fountains located on Main Street in downtown Houston? Can Houston TX be so progressive as to condone public bathing?
Matt you can be anything you want to be. Including the awesome guy that brings pizza to a bunch of stoned and sorta drunk kids.
Today I'm playing this game called how physically long can I Lay in this one spot before moving, do you have an estimated time of departure?
Guy Accidentally Starts A Group Chat With All The Girls He’s Talking To And Gets Absolutely Roasted
I want to get back to junior year skinny- without all the drugs.
I think you just have to raise your bang age from 40 to 50, hope dust doesn't fly out and make her say tony danza
It's taking every bit of my restraint not to go to the store and buy chips and cake and like steal someone's dog. PMS is so weird.
When I type "sleep" my phone suggests "with Trevor". My phones an asshole.
I brought those bastards cookies so they can deal with my sex noise, fuck them and their roommate asses
Haha holy fuck. i dont remember much after pissing on your ex's flaming nude pics.