She's like a pop up book from hell.
Only you could be admitted to the ER and walk out with a nurse's phone number. I wish I was gay
I was cut off by 8, I need to rethink this breakup therapy strategy
I was carrying him baywatch style into my place because he passed out.
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Whatever, the fact of the matter is that I saved you from poorly planned outdoor sex by doing a rain dance and you should totally thank me.
We left around 4am, just after you laid down on your front lawn to take a piss. After 15 mins I said "dude are you still peeing?" you replied "Nope, just laying here with my dick out."
There's a man in a pumpkin/reaper outfit advertising a new head shop outside the Taco Bell. I love this town.
she broke my one feeling. seriously I think she broke my dick.
He stopped mid-sex to read the subtitles on a Korean movie we had playing in the background.
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More cowboy butts than you can shake a stick at, oh joy.
Mike showed up naked and in handcuffs. Again. Feel free to come over and laugh because I'm not helping this time.
YOU CHEATED ON ME WITH THE WOMAN THAT IS STAYING AT YOUR HOUSE. FORGIVE ME IF IM NOT THINKING YOUR A DEDICATED BOYFRIEND.
My car windows are covered in lube. Happy 4th of July!
Only you could successfully troll for dick at a Hillel bake sale.
It's like an adderall Houdini. Right when you think you have a deal he disappears