I woke up this morning with I hate myself feeling
So I said to her: one time i broke my dick and when they took off the cast i could cum across a baseball field
Judging by what's in the bathroom right now, I see you graced us with your presence last night.
Pregaming for shuffle board at 10 AM. I love spring break.
it's all just a bunch of faces and i remember what the floor looked like.
They thought I was the paid stripper pretty much, and a lady tried to set me up with her nephew and then wanted to get my number for lesbian daughter... A typical night for me
just threw up on dog. broke microwave with cheese and spoon. having a bath with my barbies singing final countdown.
before you ask yes i found the absinthe under your bed. ITS THE FINAL COUNTDOWWWWNNNNNN
listening to happy ending by mika while imagining him to run after me at an aiport in slow motion... also, dipping oreos in baileys. not taking this breakup well. at. all.
It's what America was founded on: former hookups referring you for a job four years later.
Just made a drunk dude do 20 push-ups. In the parking lot of the bar tonight for a keystone light I found in the back of my truck.
Oh yum
I don't have to hold her hair back as she blows me but I do have to hold the ball on the Santa hat
We fucked, she finished, high fived me, the pulled a celebratory pack of gushers out of her purse for each of us. I'm going to marry your sister dude.
I didn't know White Castle was open when your sober.
I don't think you understand...I'm really good at getting drunk
Someone's gotta tell him drunk sex comes before dating
Randomize
