Tell her she can't have a vagina
Everyone needs a good pregnancy scare in their life.
just woke up in the beanbag bin at walmart
The bender is in full force. After 2 bloody mary's at breakfast we are now drinking vodka redbull "as a precaution" so we will stay awake for the club tonight.
She took a picture of me when she thought I was sleeping. I don't know whether to be amused or scared.
Who is this?
You offered to lift up your dress at the bar so I could see your lower back tattoo
Um, I think that was a general offer to everyone. So...who IS this?
and honestly how many chances will you get to hook up with a one armed guy?
What did you give her? She's trying to tape her wrists so her hands don't fall off.
The thing is that despite the high paying career and the increased responsibility, my life hasn't changed that much. Only instead of blacking out on $2 wells at some dive I blackout on top shelf martinis in a suit. Oh and only on Fri & Sat nights. Being 30 doesn't suck as bad as everyone led me to believe.
So I craigslisted sugar daddies and I'm pretty sure I found us one if you can pretend to be asian.
Not only is he in the circus, the man survived a near death experience and has an accent. She might as well have found a unicorn. This shit just doesn't happen in real life. Where did she meet this magical creature?
Plus he stuck it in when you were sleeping which would have been the tipping point for me but you art school kids are all liberal and shit
oh and apparently my boobs are named "have no fear" and "plenty o'beer"
Did I tell you guys I was bisexual last night? I just had a flashback
Just found a pair of vomit-soaked socks in my purse, three days after the party... Now I know why my wallet was wet.
Randomize