i just rode the bull and i see vomit in my future.
I just did the scooter of shame. New levels of embarrassment have now opened.
There's a show on bravo about fat people dancing. FAT PEOPLE. DANCING.
This is god's gift to the unemployed.
the jolly green giant just puched the pope. halloween is the best.
Our hot neighbor just came over and asked for a toilet plunger...not so hot anymore
Just witnessed a fat girl fall off the treadmill, pop a medicine ball, and drink coke out of a water bottle all in one workout.
you just used a box of cheese-its to get into the bar
I guess she thought her walk of shame would be more dignified if she stole my dog
My only positive piece of news is that my roommate is moving home for the summer, so our stress-relief sex will be much easier to get away with.
we didnt plan anything. just randomly met up in the park, both reached into our pockets and each lit up a joint without exchanging words. we're telepathic potheads.
She sleeps with her hand around my balls. First I thought it was just a comfort thing. Now I think it's to make sure I can't slip away in the middle of the night.
My bail money is reserved for people I either A, think were in the right, or B, have an awesome story that leads up to needing it. Just remember that before you call me.
I have jizz, in my hair. I'm sitting in class with jizz. In. My. Hair. I need to make better life choices.
He just got back from doing field research studying wild chimpanzees in the goddamn jungle. Obviously I fucked him.
Get ready for me I'm full of tequila and I want to be full of you next
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