Did you see that girl I got with last night?
Girl? Oh...weird...to be honest Ive always thought you were gay..
I'm like cupid
You're a whore with a bow and arrow
I'm in the liquor aisle and a 10 yr old boy yells, "My favorite beer is Corona! Daddy remember when you gave me some on our camping trip?"
You know, I had the money for a pregnancy test, but at the time, tacos were more important.
he asked if i wanted their team name to be " Amandas angels" or " Fuk budies" either way an intermural softball team of all my hook ups from spring semester is just depressing. convenient but depressing
maybe volvos are so family friendly and safe because they're extremely uncomfortable to get fucked on.
he was too drunk to climb up my loft. i owe my beating teen pregnancy to four pieces of steel
The only thing I accomplished today was naming the bag of wine I've been drinking
I wasn't vocally whispering "she wants to bite your dick off" about that kirsten girl was I?
You know you gotta reevaluate your life when the first thought that comes to mind after you wake up is 'at least I'm still alive'
I am at Brians in a pirate costume, what the hell am I thinking
fucked a girl in the dry storage closet at work. knocked over a whole rack of tomato paste and pinto beans. and also i really hope my manager doesn't review this footage from the security camera
ok so i got home drunk and was cleaning my kitchen and i was shaking out the throw rug and dropped it out the window, i'm sorry
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
I quit doing blow for him. If that doesn’t say “I’m in love with you and want to marry you” idk what does
Randomize
