I actually had to roll up my long sleeves to masturbate. I hate the winter
I just spent all my babysitting money on red cups and beer.
People still let you watch their kids?
I hid a girl's boot last night so I could ransom it back this morning via the "blowjobs for boots" program.
I could see myself reflected in his wedding band as i was going down on him.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
sorry can't make it tonight, greg's getting back from italy. he's had two weeks of carbs and no gym; now's my chance to get myself a piece of that newly-fat, low self-esteemed ass.
Its a good night to get drunk in my onesie.
If she says "This is how acid feels" one more time I'm never trip-sitting them again.
next photo in the 'cherished memories' series- Jess's bed. Note the vomit actually UNDER the pillows. shes a genius.
I have better things to do with my life than be faithful.
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My wife just tried to justify to me why she wants to bring a girl into bed with us. I should win an academy award for my face and response of 'well of its what you need.'
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
Should probably stop going into the gas station to look for the most normal person to hitch a ride with to drive me to a party
I'm just wondering how Jon managed to get vomit ON THE CEILING?
He smoked and I was tired so left before we did anything. I literally left him high and dry.
I am so so sorry I bit your butt last night. Twice.
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