fuck, i never want to drink again I drunk dialed matt last night and broke up with him the second night in a row. FUCK QUADFEST
I don't know what kind of drugs you were on last night but you kept trying to highlight my face because you said I was important
i don't think my family understands the severity of a twenty first birthday.
best line ever after sex today..."wow, that was a porn-star sized load"
You took a fire extinguisher off the wall in the hallway to play Ghostbusters.
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
No he didn't understand the sequence...then I started texting him these texts with vagina strategically spelt correctly in jumbles of letters.
he tried to convince me he was a seal.. sound effects included. and then asked me to 'be his lady seal'.
Luckily my prof thought I was puking from nerves and gave me motivational mini speeches the entire final.
She didn't need to know her brother was thrown out of a bar for getting head on the dance floor. You're a shit head.
just peed on my shirt somehow, im calling it a day
Ok, now help me add to my topless picture collection, i'm going to make myself a calendar
This is seriously fucking awkward. My favorite sex scene just started and my dad's still here. He offered me Cheetos.
theres a canoe in our lawn. we dont own a canoe.
it was the only safe place
as a self proclaimed hoe im ok with a lotta things but that is not fucking one of them
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