her voice honestly makes me want to vomit. i have springsteen cranked up all the way.
found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
Someone carved 'Hank' in all caps in the snow outside my apartment building so naturally I turned the capital H into a K and added an S to the front.
I think college has really matured you.
Just beat 2 Norwegian women in beer pong. Never been so proud to be an American.
Cuz last time you told me I was going to be shocked about something you got a hand job from a stripper in canada
I just want a guy that likes cats and is willing to get a vasectomy. IS THAT SO MUCH TO ASK?!
The joke is on me because whale penis is forever in my search history.
Worth it.
He was like, I wanna take it slow. I took off my bra And I was like, either we have sex now or you get out.
he offered me cocaine within 5 minutes of my arrival. yes of course i'm keeping him
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
Was it cause you feel bad for the ridiculousness my vagina goes through because same
I really appreciate you taking the time to blur out my excessive boob cleavage for instagram
We bird danced in front of the bird cages for 20 minutes. I think it was our way of being like fuck you guys you're in a cage and we're on summer break.
A true gentleman never tells. But yes, I did indeed get laid last night
So I took a screenshot of my boarding pass and the TSA agent somehow swiped it to the next photo. Yep...TSA saw my dick before I even went through the body scanner.
Randomize
