Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
You fell asleep mid BJ last night. I put your pants back on you. My ego is pretty bruised this morning.
They high fived mid Eiffel Tower, then we all proceeded to talk about how our friendship is much stronger now. I'd say a successful first threesome.
I just want to know what horrible accidents of evolution allowed that tiny penis to exist
So hung over, I told one of the candidates she's hired if we can turn the lights off and take a nap instead of doing her interview. I feel like she has potential.
I was giving this guy head and he stopped me to look me in the eyes and say "you have a gift"
Proudest moment of my life. Just watched a guy walk into the side of a car because I winked at him. Love these yoga pants and my hair. Fuck yes. His mouth was hanging open.
so getting blacked out last night has made my lips so beautifully red for pictures today... and they say nothing good comes from alcohol
Lol. I get my husbands paycheck every week. Immediate deposit into my purse next to his balls.
I just had a dream that I was fighting Donald Trump... Gotta stop watching the news before bed
why did i wake up in the bathroom?
we had to stay with you a while until we convinced you it wasn't safe to wash your face, then you fell asleep with your foot in the toilet.
I am getting off work an hour early just to watch you drink. Never let it be said that I don't love you.
it was an ACCIDENT
it was a DICK
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
We all love a big dick, but you’re going to develop a reputation if you keep asking every guy at the bar ‘how big your dick’
That’s all I’m saying
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