I just gave the bartender my number in roman numerals. If she figures it out, she's worth a shot
While my grandpa showed the family a slide show he accidentally included a topless photo of his new gf.
Ask him about the girl he took home Saturday night. I swear she voted for Kennedy.
last night i found out that about 5 of my friends audio recorded us having sex through the bedroom door, then auto tuned it in the tpain app on his iphone.
Oh my god my life; so much cake and so little sex
How was your weekend?
The sex was so good. It hurts to exist.
Whatever, I used my iphone to send an Escalade to pick up a booty call last week. For free. It is futuristic as fuck out here.
I totally OverDed on K2 last night. I felt like I was made of lead and then I had a panic attack.
i knew it was love when she pulled a beer out from between her boobs and offered it to me
The best part of the night was you shouting "I have to take the LSAT tomorrow" between shots of fireball.
He made me a flamingo drink and now I don't know why things are the way they are.
I am sitting in my lingerie, eating frozen cookie dough out of a bowl, and watching family. My hump day is going great
I can't even be mad at customs in houstons airport anymore for missing my flight and having to stay overnight. Within an hour of meeting we did it at her place. Her last word being "glad I could show you real southern hospitality". I'm definitely coming back here someday
When is the right time to ask your new roommate for her school schedule so she doesn't walk in on you fucking some rando in the kitchen in the middle of the afternoon?
I was 40 minutes late to work today because I was getting fucked. Walked in to discover that it's apparently performance review day. Employee of the year.
Randomize
