Can I come over?
Can't... I'm at class right now.
No your not
I'm outside by your car.
Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
Guys are so much hotter at OU. Come my mating season, I am flying south like the geese in the wintertime.
i told her that i loved her pillow breasts and then she asked me if i wanted to motor boat them. so yea, i do need the room tonite.
Just checked my bank account while shitting blood. Neither action felt good when I was done.
It took him longer to remove his skinny jeans than it did for him to finish. I didn't even have time to realize it sucked until it was already over.
I'm drinking whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
He woke up in the ambulance thinking he was still in the club.
I need a new pic for your contact id. Because your boobs popping up when I'm having dinner with my grandma or, ya know, when kids have my phone isn't so good.
Remind me never to smoke before babysitting again. Ate an entire bottle of children's gummy vitamins.... not an easy thing to explain to parents.
A bee came out of the shoe box and stung her. Even the insect community doesn't want her in those hideous things.
I'm floating on a 30mph cloud right now not giving a fuck
Could’ve gone my whole life not seeing a man snort coke off another man’s cock... but there it is...
Just woke up beside some twink in a kilt.. how is your sunday going
There's a difference tho. *I* drink at seven in the morning because I work graveyards. YOU drink at seven in the morning cause you're an alcoholic.
Randomize
