Breakfast of vicodin and eggs out of a solo cup at about three in the afternoon on a wednesday...I have my life together
Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
we were wasted and he didn't have a condom so he called the front desk and asked for one. They didn't "officially" have them but the night manager happened to have one in his wallet. He brought it to the room with two mints.
The only ground rules are no one is allowed to come who will say "no, that's a bad idea" or "what if we get arrested?"
Admitting I go to nursing school is my subtle way of saying, yes, I know every muscle in your penis and how to effectively use them.
Cops came. Forced us to take the "Honk and We'll Drink" and the "Free Shots to Father's of Freshman Daughters" signs down. Before we did, someone honked and the cop said, "Aren't you gonna drink?" They then told us to move the party inside by ten.
At some point you realize they're vacuuming and you still have to sober up. Please find me a boyfriend thanks .
I SHOULD NOT BE HAVING AN EXISTENTIAL CRISIS OVER PIZZA
So he noticed that I cut a half inch off of my hair. Guess who just earned himself some road head on the way to the twin cities?
is it acceptable to cross the border for sex?
I mayyyyy have moaned a name that wasn't his
Would it be irresponsible to use my tax refund for a boob job?
Yes. Highly encouraged though.
Sorry I didn't call this morning. Ended up with a decorated war veteran last night who besides finding the enemy, KNEW where the fuck my G spot was. He gets a medal in my book!
I'm a little concerned about right now. You showed up at my house soaking wet, drunk with a bag of ham and 2 liter of Dr. Pepper, and you refused to tell me where you got the ham until I gave you some more liquor.
My debit card was between my ass cheeks when i woke up. i vaguely remember putting it there for safe keeping
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