I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
It was like a secret agent hookup. No names, swift execution, get in- get out.
I'm not sure what happened last night, but my turtle seems afraid of me.
My dad just questioned my drinking habits... Clearly he doesn't know what kind of college education he's paying for
It was scary, we all screamed. Never make mimosas in a car.
I just had some guy offer to eat me out on my lunch break... I think single life is getting better everyday
She has a boyfriend. But if he's a decent human being he understands blowjobs don't count as cheating with her. Keeping those miracles to himself is a crime against humanity.
Shit. I'm running the whole hotel right now. The front desk girl had to run home because she left her vibrator on the counter and her brother, mom, and grandmother surprised her and are showing up to her place before she gets off work. This will end badly no matter what.
new costume idea. paint swatches and a ball gag... I'll be 50 shades of grey.
You are the only person I have ever seen offer your other drink to the bouncer on two fors night
Bouncers are people too...giant angry people
Momentum is force x velocity. So therefore velocity is 0 - hammered, and force is ur legs locked up and ur face hits the ground.
I felt paralized they just wouldnt move. We need segways when were drunk cuz if we start to fall forward they well take off and save the fall.
I just moonwalked my socks off. THAT LAZY. THAT HIGH.
You just sent me an audio message of you peeing. That’s true love right there.
Just met my future wife. Please dont fuck her.
FINE. BE CELIBATE AND ACCUMULATE CATS. SEE IF I CARE.
Randomize
