Denmark girl wants me to go out but i remembered shes a raging whore with extremely questionable morals. Not feelin that tonight
No, i'm not gonna let you give me a footjob on the floor of the cheesecake factory. C'mon.
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
you're the only person i know to use "jizz" and "cute" in the same sentence.
he turned the pretty ricky playlist on. its about to go down.
Make good choices ;) This is your automated cockblock message
She swung at the pinata with crutches
I had to explain to my dentist that my tooth was chipped because we designated my mouth as the official way to open beer. I feel like our level of partying is no longer socially acceptable.
High moment. Almost just passed the blunt to the dog.
I realized I was totally the dude in that hook up. I came first and didn't wanna help him finish. And he had paisley sheets.
My family will be here in an hour and I'm deciding between doing my makeup or saying fuck it and wearing what's left of last night's...
Next time we smoke don't let me talk. I just said something and it sounded like I was speaking in hashtag.
The extent of "getting it in" was this creepy guy sticking his finger in my bellybutton
Why are you hurting?
Tried to drink all the beer in Nashville last night....failed.
My boobs are too perky to pay that much for a car
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