i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
Tostitos scoops are the best shotglasses ever. Eat it after as a chaser.
Hey its the Filipino guy from last night. I just wanted to say sorry my friend bled all over your driveway. Great party though.
We've been friends for six months, when do my benefits kick in?
For a second, I wondered if I could smoke pizza.
drunk guy next to me on the train just tried to share his pizza with me
he just tried to feed it to me...i love new york
I'm about to have a bowl of Advils... without any fucking milk.
YOU DONT EAT A GIRL OUT AND THEN GO PUKE ASSHOLE
THEYRE FUCKING GOLD
Are you talking about the color of my tits or the quality of my nudes cause both are
at that point, I wouldn't blame you because I'd be so ashamed I couldnt even have sex with myself.
Is it customary to send a 'thank you card'to someone who gave you awesome oral as a gift at your housewarming party?
But what we lack in money, we make up for in dry humor and drugs
I'm in the upstairs bathroom. I went to the bathroom after class and realized this is not a shit I want to have publicly. I ran home. We can go to lunch, just give me a min
You can't say that. Only if you have peed on the side of the highway in daylight while signing Christmas songs can you say that.
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