time for a it's-monday-night-and-this-week-is-gunna-suck-drink.
My balls had bee stings let's just leave it at that.
Wife passed out. Doing shots with the hot bartender... Don't tell me I don't know how to celebrate a 1yr anniversary
She somehow inhaled a tack last night, she's having surgery today.
Ummm. I just wanna say this now: Don't let me invite the band back to the apartment to see my stripper pole.
I can't tell if they're having sex or watching the beach scene from Saving Private Ryan. All I know is I hear explosions and men screaming and crying
The airport has the best people watching and munches... It should be a destination drinking location
I think the saddest part about my sex life is that most of it is pity sex.
You made out with him a lot. Almost as much as you told everyone Paul was the zamboni guy.
yeah she's crazy. she fought a possum in my alley because it was "being a cagey little cunt"
We didn't mean to put a petting zoo in the elevator.
The landlord wasn't even off the porch yet and she was packing a bowl, I can't imagine a better best friend
I've only fucked to 2 Fleetwood Mac songs, that must be why my life feels so empty.
MY LIFE IS A TRAINWRECK THATS ON FIRE BUT SOMEHOW STILL MOVING, I HAVE THE RIGHT TO SCREAM OUTSIDE AT 2AM
You're swimming in an imaginary pool of pudding. What do you think?
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