I wish you were here to vomit in your hand.
don't worry, i already broke the ice when i told the story about how i super glued a picture of big bird to my vag.
i just realized that im half way to my goal of puking in every single toilet on our floor
Dude that musta been some handjob last night. The sound of her pandora bracelet kept waking me up
$100 bras are my way of telling my boobs that I love and appreciate them, and all the metaphorical doors they have opened for me.
I feel like butter and tequila would be excellent combination. Right now. Please do this in my name.
At least I can pee in a cup like a champ at this point
Why does my jaw hurt?
I may have punched you.
We held a candle light vigil outside the jail hoping for her release, until we realized we were drunk in the jail parking lot.
i woke up in a bed of pop tarts
My party ended early and I have a mountain of shrimp and weed
Sexting gets boring after a while. I'm eating a sandwich right now and googling 'sexting ideas' and just copy/pasting lines.
It's a good sandwich though.
don't take offense to this but at the strip club tonight I legit believed one girl was you. almost hopped on stage and freaked out at you. you're a beauty.
Can u pick up some lemons on the way? I have Tequila and a sore throat..I need them for both
BRB. These cougars are squabbling over my junk and one of them is offering to pay my tuition
Randomize
