Phrase i just heard while watching the U.S. open: "Boy they have really trimmed it well, this has got to be the tightest hole in the Open."
I hope you had to get up out of bed and walk across your room to check this text message
Redeem this text for a blowjob
I just caught myself doing the gator chomp to my tv. I need to get laid.
Drinking in an igloo changes everything.
the semester isnt officially over until i take the batteries out of my calculator and put them back into my vibrator
I was sleeping on the bathroom floor and thought a wet towel might keep me warm.
I didn't think it was possible, but that girl next door is even louder when drunk.
No no no. When you take one for the team, there are no stipulations or conditions
I just tipped the cab driver with pistachio nuts. And he loved it.
Bad behavior is like a petri dish that grows organically In my heart
There seems no grander way to celebrate 420 than to smoke atop a mountain peak.
We can't be fuck buddies. You stare into my eyes while we fuck.
I've officially dedicated my newly single life to making myself squirt.
What's the best day of the week to potentially find out you're pregnant with your ex's baby?
Randomize
