He said he was from Mississippi and my vagina clamped shut like a frightened oyster
Tostitos scoops are the best shotglasses ever. Eat it after as a chaser.
you can't exactly throw up or pass out at the pentagon so i had to pull my shit together
He started to notice that i sleep with every girl he calls dibs on.
I have an excuse to be a whore in Mexico. I'm conducting an experiment to see if small dicks are caused by the poor drinking water.
Dude she has starbursts in her sports bra. I feel like this is counter productive.
Man, only now that I'm single is it painfully obvious that I have zero booty calls in waiting. This could be a cold winter
Have to get circumcised. Doctor goes, "On the bright side, you can tell people your dick is too wide."
1. Are there men involved 2. Is there food involved 3. Do I have to put pants on 4. Do I have to leave this bed
You know my ex in high school who cheated on me and dumped me right before prom? A decade later, I just saw her again...working at an Arby's. it was a good day...
As the bouncer was escorting you out, you yelled "keep your filthy dick beaters off me!"
This is not 2004 anymore. It's not acceptable to get fingered while watching 'Ferngully' in a basement full of your friends.
Walk of shaming into my apartment. No one to clap me in. Come home!
I will buy you batman underwear babe. I'll make sure you wear them every time we have to adult.
DRUNK COOKIES
Are you drunk or are the cookies drunk or are these cookies that get you drunk?
Yes
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