I think I might be in your shoes. Except they are actually my shoes. Either way these shoes are wasted.
sitting next to michael phelps in the airport. wonder if he's carrying...
Its funny that cleaning up pieces of water balloons and shot glasses every morning is becoming a routine
Just bought a beer belt to complete the Captain America outfit. I will do my part as a hero of America to pass out beer to the good citizens of America.
We stuck the straw in the bourbon as a joke, you saw it as a challenge.
He's holding a pee stick. Yes it's weird.
The smell of mosquito spray completely ruined the sex.
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... Men can be so sensitive...
Woke up in a bathtub with both of my legs broken. How was your night?
At some point, I’d like to pretend that his penis is a popsicle.
Just got home from work. I'm going to change into sweats for a while before I have to wear normal pants to the party like I promised.
Sunburned by dick at the nude beach. Bad. She tried to blow me. But. I. Just. Can't. Saddest day of my life.
My thoughts mid terrible hookup: do people normally read a magazine right about now?
all my friends are getting married and here i am in a committed relationship with rum
hey i'm sure you are probably asleep bc you suck and think sleep is necessary to live or something?
Randomize
