The best part was that when i tried to chase her she ran off in one of those barbie motorized jeeps that little kids use and i chased her on a big wheel, thru lincoln terrace
What are you wearing to our high school reunion?
I don't know, What kind of dress says "I feel sorry for you people?"
And as you crawled into the bathroom last night you repeatedly said "I know the routine".
Not even the dog will look at me anymore.
i just ate an entire onion plain. all alone. i have never felt more single in my life
I'm drunk at the doctor. It's not that fun. Overrated in fact.
and do you remember when you were dressing me if i had money in my bra?
Oh, and my friends believe you should reimburse me for the brazilian that was gone to waste.
I am burnt. Have a black eye. Face dove into the grass and got pissed on. Time of my life. God Bless the USA.
God, for the last time, no I did not break my nose doing a keg-stand just for a nose job.
I can't feel my clothes. I'm convinced I'm naked
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
Visiting Houston was a good decision for my penis.
Lmao. K I'll be 100% honest. I was over at your place like 12 hours ago with your roommate. If I hadn't of been there then I'd take you up on your booty call offer. So. If you're not creeped out another time please?
Randomize
