I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
Right now I can't do anything that will ban me from donating plasma. That is a legit source of income for me.
Did you rob me and blame it on the strippers?
My liver is crying. And I feel like I got fingered by Edward Scissorhands. While he was wearing brass knuckles
Which one of you fuckers thought itd be funny to see if the kitchen table can float.
He practically cut off his thumb and she offered him a tampon to stop the bleeding
Just found the last picture of me as a virgin. Framed it.
After he came, I wiped my mouth on my baby blanket. I could feel nana rolling over in her grave.
I just asked her to come in through the window, this pretty much solidifies the whole fuck-buddy thing...
I'm in your room because it's a safe space. Is it ok to pee in here?
My uterus feels like it went 8 rounds with Mike Tyson. And that was only a quickie.
Jimmy johns delivers to the bar behind work. Happy vodka day!
So the tow truck driver didn't charge us because Ian convinced him that he was sent out by God to share his cocaine with us.
He fucked me while wearing a unicorn horn. I think I have found the one...
he just asked me that if he was a penguin and I was a penguin if I would fuck him
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