What's the politest way to tell someone that you're only interested in them when they're naked, and even then it's just like a passing "meh?"
He like poked it twice with the tip of his tongue then left it alone. I'm sad.
We were playing flip cup on the nice dining room table. Losing team had to shamwow the table in between rounds
WHOA. WHOA. WTF. WHOA. TOO HIGH FOR HIM TO BE ENGAGED RIGHT NOW.
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I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
We are doing handstands and somersaults in the pool. With an inflatable beer pong table and our regular beer pong table. We're ponging by land and by sea
do you find it slutty that the last person I had sex with is also the person who sings my ringtone ?
Never use fire and ice condoms with a dude who always claims he "didn't know it was the wrong hole"
I woke up this morning to my house being turned into a bad European dance club at 8:30am. Do you know what "UNS UNS UNS" sounds like at 8:30am? Murder. It sounds like murder.
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My dad just told me I can't passout in the driveway after the 4th of July parade this year, again
Our relationship needs a sober moment
I'll call you when that happens
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
he just used a semicolon in the middle of a sext
i'm so glad to be in bed i'd like to thank the acadermy
So, looks like I managed to leave my bra in the boardroom after all the sex. FML.