Just spent 45mins blow drying a joint i dropped in a beer....i felt like i dropped his infant child....
My mom assumed I was crying because he was leaving. Figured that was better than explaining my eye's sensitivity to semen..
yeah he couldn't walk in a straight line and started throwing up and told the cop he just has an astigmatism
There was blood everywhere. She was pretty good looking person though.
Last time I get high to write a paper the night before it's due. "Tiny Wings and sexuality" is not an acceptable topic to for a paper. Class in 30 minutes. I'm fucked...
They just called to see if he wanted to come in at 2am for overtime. He's trashed. He literally carried on a 10 minute convo with his boss about woodchucks. As in the animal
I think the multiple Sunday morning sirens outside my window are a plot by the cops to get back at me for the shit we pulled last night. Or I should move to a better area.
Everything smells like vodka and bologna. WHAT DID YOU DO?
No, it wasn't really a sexy 'I'm going to go masturbate.' It was an 'I'm going to go masturbate' that implied I was going to drink a tall boy of Mikes and cry while I looked at lesbian porn.
Ew. He is mine. We all know that if he has a mid-life crisis and decides to sleep with a student, I AM THAT STUDENT. She's not friends with him on FB. Reassuring.
Don't blame me. My vagina leads me astray.
Do you remember when you first moved into my parents house with me and we came home to find that my dad bolted the headboard to the wall
So many people have told me I have great tits tonight, I'm unstoppable
just had a woman ask me to donate my eggs so that her baby could look like me. don't know whether to get a restraining order or be flattered. thoughts?
Pretty sure I scared her away last night by putting a vodka tampon in my ass
Randomize
