They said "my eyes made me look intoxicated" ......we harassed them all night and we called the cops and told them that the bouncer that kicked us out was selling meth in the club ...and then we went to wendys
Now that the fun of having an iPhone has worn off I find that using screen as a coke tray is by far my favorite app
For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
i ditched last period to have sex with him. i had to change into my skank clothes in the church parking lot. little kids were on the swings.
nothing about this is right.
Why is your signature on my underwear?
Just mixed vicodin and mucinex. This cold just got fun.
She's the perfect storm when it comes to psycho stalkers
We are casual work acquaintances that occasionally fuck when the urge strikes. CWATOFWTUS. I know FWB rolls off the tongue better but it is what it is.
She kept telling me to calm down. I was on the floor with my eyes shut, not moving. In levels of calm I was one step above coma patient
Got laid last night using the intro line of "rate your hurricane evacuation plan on a scale of 1-10"
Sex obviously provides more sustenance than oatmeal.
the bouncer just handed me a Starbucks bag of pound cake
Doing the walk of shame from the back of a Jeep to the porta potty it's parked next to while your dad watches is not what you want.
Angels sing when his face is between my thighs. I came 3 times before he even came up for air.
Last night when we were having sex he put the condom on backwards the first time. While he was putting the second one on I blew up the first one, made it into a balloon and hit him in the head with it. I think we're over the honeymoon stage.
Randomize
