This frat boy drinking a forty and wearing a pussy patrol shirt just ran out in front of my car. I should have used less brakes.
He booked us a hotel at a resort in cancun for sprng break... I just wanted to get laid this weekend when i was blackout i didnt know it was gonna spiral into a mess of events like a 5 month in advance commitment
That would explain his violent outburst while watching barefoot contessa...
The fact that he grabbed my boob in the middle of the conversation shows something needs to change
Seriously, I am going to crawl in a hole, sew my vagina shut, and spit acid on any man that comes near me.
The silhouette of his dick looked like an eagle. Amurrican.
It's fucking New Year's. I can be soberish in 2013 after tonight. It's like the 30 years of grey area between Jesus' birth and death.
As a plus, I've lost 5 pounds in two days, so "party all weekend" is officially a valid diet plan.
Did you take the full box of samoas or do I not remember getting baked and eating half a box by myself?
Someone the age of your son tried to go home with me from the bar last night
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
Update: drank half a bottle of Bourbon and texted three ex's. Waiting for the roommates to go to sleep so I can raid the fridge.
he’s basically the devil with a fuck boy hair cut and chlamydia
The high school classes are online, not my sex life. He still comes over for “teacher / parent conferences.” A couple more “conferences” and I’ll be able to rewrite the Sex Ed curriculum
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