seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
Best part is I totaly had to get into my dads car like I didn't have my pants off two minutes ago.
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
A friday night jus isn't the same if the cops don't raid my dorm
oh awks just saw the head of medical staff who I punched the bottle of wine at
Apparently I covered myself in sunscreen before I went to bed. Im just assuming that due to the fact I found an empty bottle of sunblock
Ughhh I can't remember the last time "time fell back or springed forward" and I wasn't at the bar to argue about it :(
Just beer bonged tequila, broke into the hotel next door and got chased by security. It's spring break
I just masturbated in the tanning bed stoned. Best decision of my life
this periodpocalypse needs to be over. I need head
My ass is in a myriad of pain right now
Lesson learned - Taco Bell before a long night of BDSM is a BAD idea
I haven't been single on my birthday for 7 years. If you don't get me laid tonight, your best friend/wing woman status will be revoked.
OH MY GOD YOU GUYS I JUST FOUND OUT I HAD PHONE SEX THE OTHER NIGHT
I woke up in my basement holding someone else's underwear and a bottle of mouthwash . I wish I could explain more than that but i can't remember ...
my vagina can't handle any more of our 4 day long smash bash. it should be like a holiday or something. should only happen once a year.
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