I just saw a girl walking home wearing a tshirt, boxers, and cowboy boots. Thanks for having the decency to drive me to my car.
i woke up to find out i googled the Twilight Eclipse trailer. so either drunk me doesn't know that i'm straight, or sober me doesn't know that i'm gay
He took me to the bathroom in the gay bar to "just cuddle." Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice...well...
This is your liver's 7:15 wake up call. Mandatory margarita popsicles after work today. Rule #71: no excuses, play like a champ!
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
I feel like every time I get the courage to masturbate to a guy from Game of Thrones, they kill him off.
Yeah I was thinking something along the lines of "I almost died, lets celebrate with sex. Come over"
What was my myspace song when I went away to rehab?
I just want to go home and eat bagel bites in my underwear
Might call you tomorrow on a drunken hate filled rant, or just a normal hate filled rant, either way be ready.
I wanted to say "you're a souless cunt" but in a nice way. So I added a smiley face.
Cheyanne in woods. Ducks attacked. My toe is bleeding. We are gpsing our way home on foot. No worries
Bruise count after new years, 7. 2018 is looking up.
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
She is either doing really drawn out crunches or trying to sniff her boobs...She's lying on her back with her hand behind her head, forcing her head into the cleavage that's ok to expose and then moves her head back and then does it again.
Randomize
