listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
I've come to the conclusion that the only reason I fucked him was because he reminded me of Seth Rogen.
We all know the best way to start a relationship is greeting while at least one of you are intoxicated, dual facebook stalking, and a two week long game of 20 questions via texts to 'really' get to know each other. In that order.
I wouldn't have it any other way. It's like a fairy tale!
she needs to learn to take compliments like she takes dicks.
She just sent me a picture of a heart. I need to stop fucking freshman...
Only girl at that party wearing a fake beard and I STILL get laid...
a drug dealer just gave me his business card. it had his face on it drinking a 40oz
so she finally agreed to being friends with benefits. not only did I take her virginity, when I woke up, she brought me French toast made with homemade bread in bed.
I worship thee.
I never had a problem I couldn't slut my way out of.
If you really wanted to hide the fact you were gay, you could have at least had the sense to not get drunk in the same bar as your bf.
Just watched a girl fall down the stair and be to drunk to get up. The only stair in the bar. It's like watching a turtle on it's back.
Thinking about wearing all black to the bar tonight since I'll be attending my liver's funeral.
Hey, I found that piece of pizza you lost in my bed last night. Never again...
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
High. As. Fuck. I thought the kid next to me didn't have an arm for like 2 hours.
Hahahaha I'm glad you woke me up with this text.
Randomize
