dont worry about it. i always have emergency bong water with me
We had a long talk in which he told me he respects me more than any other girl. 30 minutes later, I got a facial.
I'm buying eyelash glue, salt, and limes. We know how tonight is ending.
I woke up naked in his kitchen...His name is Mike and we're having a "what happened last night" beer.
I just did a Kegel and my back popped. My vagina is a gift to penises everywhere.
I have whiskey and jager. There's no telling what kind of monster will emerge
Just threw up in front of the Boy Scouts on my base. Welcome to the Navy kids.
The Blue Grotto manager called. He asked me for your name and number. Apparently, on reviewing the videotape he noticed you consumed a whole pizza by yourself. He indicated that he has a tshirt for you and wants to put your picture on his eating wall of fame. Apparently, you are the first such person to complete this incredible feat of eating. Congratulations to you!! I am so proud.
It's a gay bachelor party, it's not like dignity is to be expected
Amanda bynes is my spirit animal
I had to break it to her that she was not in fact behind the bushes when she peed on the church last night
all i've had to eat today is leftover bday cake and a shot of tequila.
welcome to college.
Man. Apparently I blacked out between the 4th margarita and my air mattress. Asleep in my jeans at 10pm. Mom outdrank me again.
Eh, I don't question what my penis likes. It just does what it does.
I just want to say that I've always loved you and you are my best friend ever
You gave that creepy guy my number, didn't you? You really need to learn how to just say no, not interested.
Randomize
