I think getting shot is the thing to do in Brooklyn
halloween makes it hard to decipher real cops... from sexy men dressed up as them.
Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
Just bought plan B with a coupon. Told the pharmacist I like to keep it classy.
Every day you talk to me ... I literally love you more..
Just got an Edible Arrangement my parents sent me for my birthday. Time to marinate some fruit in vodka.
i was driving around baked, windows down jamming to third eye blind and eating grapes for 35 minutes before i remembered why i left my house
She won't let me open the car door while we are on the highway so I can throw up outside. She deserves to have her car thrown up in.
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
I mean you were pretty drunk at one point you asked if we could have a glass of water ready for you in case you choked while bobbing for apples, but you said grape juice was preferable. You can't choke on an apple btw
You have a roommate and cry when you see my dick
Her dog trainer Fuck buddy is over here again. She sounds like a squeaky toy and he talks to her like he talks to the dog. I CAN HEAR EVERYTHING!!!
Sometimes turtles just really trip me out man
I'm just trying to find the strength to put my bra back on and come inside
Dude we need to hang out soon. I'm in the mood to get arrested again.
I hate being the first one to text him all the time...I feel like Iook desperate to get laid when the reality is that im just really horny and he has a/c...
Randomize
