Plan B is the new Plan A
I think I'm maturing; i was gonna watch porn and then take a nap but i motivated myself to put my laundry in first.
The guy at McDonald's just told us there is no flash photography allowed.
words cant express how excited I am to make January 1st our own personal version of The Hangover
The world would have a new energy source if someone would just take a blacklight to the backseat of that slut's car
Referring to yourself in third person during sex is apparently an instant turn off
So last night I kicked a beer can off of a frat guys head and it nailed one of my sisters in the face. Think i'll be brought up on standards?
WHAT THE FUCK JASON, WHY IS THERE A FREE BLOW JOBS BY LISA SIGN IN MY FRONT LAWN WITH MY PHONE NUMBER ON IT?! PEOPLE ARE PULLING INTO MY DRIVEWAY!
She doesn't even know his real name...he just keeps calling himself Hans the Third
If they could bottle a hangover it would taste exactly like lemon lime Gatorade and failed hopes and dreams
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
No actually you're a pro. You puked on the cab ride, and managed to completely contain it in your purse. the cabbie was even impressed.
So many people have told me I have great tits tonight, I'm unstoppable
The only words I could make out were "Dicksmash McIroncock".
I don't know what else to tell you.. just listen to some taylor swift and you'll know what to do in the morning
Randomize
