He just said "Chunky" very loudly in his sleep.
there's a sledge hammer in the bottom of the swimming pool... so whatever happened last night was probably awesome
Fucking him was like shopping for my first training bra.. Embarrassing yet extremely useful
A valiant attempt to obtain a backhoe was made
It's ok that you're screwing someone else while trying to get back with me, I'm banging three girls while I ignore you.
Did you just reference Ludacris during my possible pregnancy scare of 2012?!
I think she's going to be dangerous to drink with, but I'm ready for the adventure.
You sent me snap chats of you guys having sex. Like plural. It was like flip book porn, I'm traumatized.
The school security guard knows my name.... I think I'm missing some memories...
Also. When I die, I'm gonna have them put me in the casket naked and then have an open casket funeral. That will be my last chance to make people uncomfortable.
She looks like a beluga.
I want to splash her with water and when she screams say "I didn't want you to die. You looked parched"
I guess I'm just gonna have to learn to live with the fact that I'm the guy who takes his pants off at the party and tries to start an orgy
You're right. I woke up today with my ugly sweater still on and no pants. I'd say it was a successful night.
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
Sorry for trying to baptize you last night
You knew the entire thing in Latin I was so impressed
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