I just spit my fake tooth out at a customer. I think he thought it was my bubble gum though so it's ok.
I just had to blow my nose on a mcdonalds receipt in my car. Its time to stop doing coke.
Sometimes I wonder why I hang out with you. And then you show up half naked at my door with a half gal of vodka, and I remember why.
That one life defining moment when you catch yourself pouring whisky into your hot chocolate at 4 am, whilst crying and talking to your dog.
Oh god. Just tried to hail a pizza delivery car. Awkward.
International sake day = success
do you know how ratchet you have to be to get kicked out of a drag club on Halloween weekend??
I also made him write a nonfiction romance novel about what happened and to give it to me when the time was right
I was just tryna bring you beer girl. I should've known you'd be shirtless though
SOMEONE WITH THE TWITTER HANDLE "METHLAB" FAVORITED THAT PICTURE
Just fyi there is a naked girl somewhere in your house. I woke up and she was gone, definitely left her clothes tho
dude, I felt like being high in a Santa hat and eating five boxes of cookies was right for today.
He suffocated between her tits, but she didn't notice because he still came.
I need someone to sew my vagina shut until I'm responsible enough to use it
Whenever someone said no you would yell "Die Motherfucker." Kind of like some twisted drinking game.
I'm sorry for peeing on you last night. Will cookies make up for it?
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