Come on, it shouldn't be that hard NOT to suck someone's dick
That's the last time I fill my pockets with sushi.
Peed in a church parking lot last night. As if Jesus didnt hate me enough already.
drunk tastebuds have low standards.
I have an asthmatic alcoholic for a roommate. That can't be safe.
Lots of alcohol. 3rd graders fuck me now.
Auto correct or actual 3rd graders?
I'm in the city buying alcohol. I just got warned by a homeless man on the street that I shouldn't look so pretty "in these parts"
i was beyond wasted so he tucked me into bed and wrapped the blankets around me like a burrito. then gave me a bloody mary and an omlet when i woke up. and who says living with your cousin is a bad thing?!
You wanna know how bad I feel? I couldn't get out of bed to get the remote, so I just downloaded the comcast app on my phone so I could change the channels
Running late for a date because I couldn't get my clothes out from under the dude I spent the night with in time to leave when I planned. This is my life.
He used the ring emoji and we've gone out four times. What is my life.
Is it rude to say "I hate you because you live inside Hillary Clinton's asshole"?
so i just met a former male stripper who has a lion king tattoo. new BFF? i think yes
I woke up next to a Big Mac box.. And had no sheets or clothes on. The night was a success I think.
You couldn’t remember the word hand jibber. Instead, your drunk ass offered the bartenders “unlimited hand fritters” if they wouldn’t cut you off.
Randomize
