she came over and started getting naked and said its not like i came over to just hang out
youve hit the jackpot
my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
She just used a turkey baster to transfer alcohol from the glass to the bottle. Just thought you should know
I'm on the strip, it's like a mini new years eve. Some girl just got taken away on a stretcher with her meter margarita in her hand claiming it's trophy for being awesome. Damn tourists are lightweights.
I didn't realize how much I missed him until his balls were back in my mouth..
Tried to dry my shoes in the oven last night.
Oh, and i love you too. Im just a selfish dick who had to talk about myself first
After my date left I rallied and took the Asian girl home. Flexibility my friend.
i was on the fire escape while he ate me out for a while before i realized he had shut the door behind us and locked us out and i proceeded to climb down the stairs and climb back into the party through the window.
i can only hope to be on your level one day.
Can my mom come with to the bar? Prince just died and I feel like I need to take her out to cheer her up.
Also, you fell asleep with you hand on and around my cock last night.
but dude how did I get so drunk?
Pretty sure it happened right after you poured a shot of Wild Turkey into your Budweiser, chugged it, and screamed "I. NEVER. BACK. DOWN!"
he's spending the night tonight. if i can walk straight tomorrow i'll be pissed.
She super glued his penis to his testicles. And shaved off a good portion of his hair after he passed out at the party.
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