My life is like a Sweet Valley High book but with lots of alcohol.
i just heard her through the wall saying "not on my face! NOT on my face!" then a scream and "I SAID NOT ON MY FACE!!!"...nice work dude.
it was one of those movies netflix should have sent weed with
please don't go to jail. I'd hate to have to call the montgomery county jail every time I need sex advice
He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
This milkshake tastes better than sex. Priorities, I have them.
Fell asleep on the Grass at Lolla woke up in the Brown line. What. The. Fuck.
i got her number while she was sitting next to her boyfriend. her actual number. i might be a superhero
I now have a GPA requirement for guys I hookup with more than once.
We are going to get high as balls and watch netflix
THIS IS WHAT BEING AN ADULT LOOKS LIKE
Everyone heard you scream that I was to be naked, in your bed in 5 minutes. We were one hell of a shitshow spectacle
Yeah, you gave me a condom that I 100% coulda used, then an hour later you basically beat the shit out of me and physically took it from my pocket.
Sometimes at I wake up from a dead sleep at 1am and call the bar just to hear the clink of the glasses and the pouring of the beer on tap in the backround
Twas still the Saturday before Christmas \nAnd it’s still fucking snowing\nAnd Steve wished he slowed down \nOn all the fucking drinking
Judging from the sharpie on my face, glitter on my chest and women's tiger print panties i'm wearing last night was a thing.
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