just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
so i finally decided to ask her out. she started mumbling, then she puked on me. i think i'll try again when she's sober
I pretty much just threw a bunch of clothes and my vodka in a bag..idk where I'm gonna end up tonight but I'm prepared.
There are fucking limits. Jerking another guy off in the bar toes the line.
Because of his penis, I can't even look at a hot dog
Also I'm very proud of th fact that I walked my dog before bed. Drunk dog walking should be an Olympic sport; it takes SKILLS.
Nothing says I'll be 22 tomorrow like washing the vomit out of your hair at 4pm
So you're saying you don't want to be with her anymore because she likes sex to much and is just to hot?
Well when you say it that way it makes me sound like an idiot.
You are an idiot.
I'm 10 cats away from completing my post divorce transformation.
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
All I wanted was to die alone with my dogs....how did I end up here
I don't know if I should laugh or punch you
So I think my neighbor's name is Olli if I'm hearing the girl the girl he's fucking clearly
It was sweet, he carried me out of my bathroom after I passed out, built me a pillow fort so I wouldn't roll out of bed, set a glass of water on the table, and brought me a mixing bowl to puke in. Totally a sign we're more than just fuckbuddies.
Never. No amount of alcohol could convince my brain and eye sight that it is okay to fuck him. I'd rather fuck my cousin.
Its pretty bad when you can tell twins apart by the size of their penises...
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