we went to a bar last night, drank beer in plastic cups. I took pics w/a random kid i pulled into a photobooth & i have easy mac in my purse. I belong here.
From behind she looks like Richard Simmons
I though she ruined it by crying, then I realized it wasn’t a tear, it was my great aim. It turned out to be beautiful.
Better skin, bigger boobs.. Birth control is INCREASING my chance of getting pregnant because people actually want to have sex with me now.
i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
And then i had a penis in each hand. It was magical.
I dont know why the TSA people are looking at me wierd. I mean there is no way i am the only hungover college girl here with nine tally marks on her hand and last nights glitter on her face
Sex on roller skates
Floating mattress
Tie
Apparently all year they've been using me as a standard of drunkenness
I'm so confused as to where the sexual euphemisms end and the drinking starts
My liver needs the occasional pep talk and a reminder that we are two weeks into freshman year of college.
Nxt time we drink that much, we'll have to hide the crayons. Crayola-ing a mural on the living room wall wasnt the brightest idea, but it sure is classy. Right?
i woke up with a shamrock tattoo on my wrist and a fat bruise on my hipbone. please tell me its not real.
To potentially get me laid, I need you to send me your favorite memes.
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