Every time we go downtown I ask myself why we live in Des Moines
Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
i just traded a sweatshirt for margaritas... why did they ever stop using the barter system??!!
His sex texting was like a step by step guide to the most boring sex ever...
4pm on a Sunday....roomate fucking like a wildabeast while I have a organic chemistry study group in my kitchen.
I wore my front clasp bra so he would have to prove his sobriety to me before we had sex.
It was ths the worst 15 minutes of my life. . . It was like fucking a warm stick of butter.
I WISH WE COULD PLAY THE DRINKING GAME TOGETHER AND THEN BANG FOR AMERICA.
After arriving 30 minutes late, he slowly walked to his desk and halfway there he just falls over like a tree and passes out. I now have some sort of proof as to how awesome that night was.
You left a bit of molly on the table and my mom found it. She asked what it was, I said "not drugs"
She believed me because "leaving that much behind on the table would be a waste so obviously it's not drugs."
We should probably feel disgusted that we took turns eating and drunkenly passing around a burrito the size of a small dog but i’m ok with it.
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
i woke up face planted on your ottoman..thanks for letting me sleepover
His pet bird was perched ON HIS DICK.
Alone, in the dark, eating tacos and drinking vodka. Who's apartment is this?
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