If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
Tell mom and/or dad that I am going to be home late. I am really blazed. Don't tell them that part, though.
Maybe if you date her you can take a dump on her
One of the cleaning ladies on my floor just screamed from the bathroom
I either just got cockblocked or saved from a lengthy court case so I'm kinda conflicted about how my night went.
So Ryan had to wash the dishes. His solution: take a shower with them. I'm never eating at his house again.
Maid of honor is brides sister and single. Likes lemondrops. You're welcome.
He woke up in the ambulance thinking he was still in the club.
And if it was a miscarriage you should figure out whose it was. He must be an alphamale for his offspring to sustain life this long in the amusement park that is your body
I was just handed jelly beans by a guy in a penguin costume. Standby for confirmation on if they are actually drugs.
Just once I'd like to throw a party where I don't have to clean up someone else's blood the next morning.
We never did figure out who the stuff on the wall came from, did we?
I'd say I'd distract him, but I lose my psychic powers when guys get girlfriends. And by psychic powers I mean taking off my top.
When creating your wedding guest list do you put the girl you & your fiance had a threesome with under your friends or his friends?
you bounced a quarter off my butt and it came back hitting you in the eye. karma, bitch.
After drinking all day I popped an adderal, slammed three beers in a row, apparently told the bartender "thanks bitch" then ran on stage.
Randomize
