After skinny dipping in your pond, I think me and tequila have added a whole new dynamic to our relationship.
at least you got your priorties in line. new years first, than the baby.
Sorry about bonging beers with your mom but in all fairness you were late...
who has that picture of us looking like alcoholics at the zoo?
Well, love is in the air. And by that I mean: it seriously smells like sex in here.
...if you're living vicariously thought me, that was a great blow job you just gave in the B&N parking lot.
saw a dude wearin soccer cleats at the bar tonight. fuckin kiddin me man?
I appreciate alcohol much more now that I have to be sober sometimes
I had to get my boss birth control a work today. I knew going to ASU would come in handy in my career someday.
He's so sweet...I can't see him enjoying that I got injured during sex.
I bet you there is porn for people who get off on someone rubbing Chipotle on themselves
Whoever said it shouldn't take a man to make you happy clearly wasn't having sex everyday.
Well the good news of being walked in on, my mom says your tits are pretty. Then she added that hers were like that once. Fml
She's kind of holyer-than-thou, like god himself came down and said "please cock block your roommate at every opportunity, and if you think she's thinking of sex, tell her she's a whore"
I’m getting reeeeaaalll tired of telling cute boys I gave them chlamydia.
That’s two in three months. You really know how to live.
Randomize