The 3 of us think it's time to start drinking.
3?
Me, myself and I
Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
we couldnt find her phone in the morning so i called it and found it under the bed. my name came up as 'regret'
She's mad at me cuz I told her having a fuck buddy was too much commitment.
For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
I swear they were about to hook up!!
I know because I was in the tub taking an imaginary silent bath. They stopped cuz I gagged on my shot.
We established that I was in 5th grade when she was in her final year of grad school. Her daughter is also in 5th grade.
Why do i feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear?
There's a woman at the bar holding a baby with one arm and doing shots of GM with the other. The baby is crying. I have lost faith in humanity.
It is officially settled in my mind that fuck the hot grad student is THE goal this year
I sang Sweet Caroline with a homeless man and made him 25 bucks. Redbull vodka gives you wings!
I still don't know why she was so offended when I emerged from the bathroom and told her my balls were now clean.
I WANT BLOOD. HERS. I WILL DYE A FABULOUS PAIR OF SUEDE PUMPS RED WITH HER BLOOD.
That reminds me of the morning I woke up on the sidewalk covered in chicken wings
He picked me up in Smart Car with the license plate “MYWHIP.” I think my ovaries shriveled up and died.
Randomize
