Oh I also wanted to thank you for leaving your list of porn sites on the coffee table. Very entertaining.
Why is the garage door in the middle of the street?
The prostitute across the street from us is having a seizure on her front lawn again.
In less than 3 minutes we had 3 security guards running after us
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
Do you think that my Facebook profile picture kinda look like im being raped by a 10 foot polar bear ?
I woke up in a sink... Not like curled up on top of it though. I was standing, bent over, face first. IN THE DAMN SINK.
Remember when we saw my neighbor taking dick pics of himself? He's back at it!
I'm at the point where I'm more upset that he got to keep my bottle of Fireball than that he stopped talking to me with no explanation
I just put on lipstick to sext him. That should tell you where my love life is at.
Taking a shit in a Texas 7/11... not accepting phone calls now lol
You ruined the universe
Then, even the devil himself would be scared of us. And we'd be bestfriends with Jesus. He would love us.
The usual, icing my vag with a chimichanga.
eating pizza to get the taste of dick out my mouth wby
Randomize
