sorry about last night, I don't know what happened but I woke up this morning and looked strikingly similar to courtney love, it had to be bad.
I've only been here for an hour and I've already made 6 babies cry.
Happy Birthday
My #1 goal this summer is to get drunk at olive garden
Theres a picture of me with cut up clothes rolling in the policeman's lawn, I missed you, summer.
I don't know. I was also picked up by the doormen and held over the bar so I could do an upside down shot out of a bartenders tits.
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
I think they took out their livers years ago and replaced them with like cheese graters or something. Only explanation.
styled my pubes into a mustache as a surprise. Thought you should know
Hey, you remember years ago when you told me you would give me a kidney?
yeah that bottle of rum is only the second thing I want that kid to be pulling out of his pants
The Royals are in the World Series. I've never drank so much in one week in my life.
I knew it was you who came home last night because no one else would walk in at 3 am and start microwaving a burrito
Some guy walking down the sidewalk just looked at me and said "hey it's the world champ". How drunk was I on Friday...?
I have tasted many bathrooms
I can guarantee he will smoke me out and I won't feel bad about it because he gets to touch my butt.
Randomize
