I'm so bored, I can only pretend that this truck is a spaceship for so long.
Talking her gay man friend into dancing with me officially makes me the world's best wingman. ever.
No one actually likes Tequila. They just accept it as a fact of life. Like hpv.
My nipple rings set off the metal detector at the courthouse this morning.
i'm gonna start fucking more girls with asthma. help feed my ego.
So I'm drinking wine and watching Thumbelina
I'm teaching my cat to play fetch
Yep, it's a friday
THAT IS NOT SOMETHING YOU TELL SOMEBODY THE FIRST TIME YOU MEET THEM IN THE DARK.
We have a pile of chopped wood here that suggests we may have chopped down a tree of some sort.
I remember doing shots of gin, then I have this strange memory of us making out in the womens room at waffle house.
I regret none of it.
I swear to all that is holy, next time you get my mom high with your "special bake sale" I am going to put your dick in the blender.
IM FEEDING MY CAT ALL THE HAM
You get home ok?
Uh, you stopped by my house at 4 am and woke me up, so yeah.
I had sex with marker all over my face so I can do just about anything.
Really I don't care what we're doing or watching. Your penis spends way too much time outside of my body.
this is a PSA to never have sex in a bed from ikea
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