I can't get out of the parking garage so now I'm staying downtown....Typical
sometimes i wonder what i would do without sheltered catholic girls w/ overprotective parents
never have sex?
I knew my chances of getting laid had increased after she walked into my room and yelled "DICK TIME"
Her breakfeast in bed consisted of half a pop tart that I didn't want, and water that I slipped birth control into... Who says chivalry is dead?
I just negotiated a blow job for an interview.
My mom just admitted you were a good looking kid & if you weren't my friend & 30 years older she would do you. I'm going to commit suicide.
No, I left myself a half eaten cucumber and a beer next to my head, pointed at it and said 'you're breakfast' and then passed out.
Is 'too horny to study' a good enough medical excuse to not take a final?
He referred to his penis as "a gentle giant" and said I had offended it
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
Had a dream I dropped the L word and immediately threatened to kill myself
You probably shouldn't be having nightmares about expressing affection
Hypothetically - think of it as Schrodinger's blow-job.
Everyone got an underage but her
How'd she get out of it?!
She hid in the FUCKING DRYER
If it's any consolation she turned out to be has a collection of clown dolls she talks to crazy. And the cops knew why I was calling when she key locked the door from inside.
Randomize
