You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
he said he wished he had more hands so he could firmly hold my boobs.
at a bonfire and someone threw a plastic cup in the fire. everyone immediately stopped what they were doing to yell collectively at him about what he was doing to the environment, then went back to drinking
only in oregon
my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
I had sex with her because I didn't want to hurt her feelings.. You're the one who told me I should be more sensitive.
So at what point do I tell her that I like fucking these hot southern girls more than I like my relationship with her?
I may or may not be taking a bath listening to the Phantom of the Opera. This lovely moment brought to you by xanax.
Luke did at least 8 shots of pure mayonnaise last night. I am not sure if that is better or worse than my 2 cement mixers?
Im gunna just be that one ballerina in the low V leopard thong leotard and everyone else can be boring and prude with their little pink tights on.
just sex-dialed 911. that's 34 seconds of dignity i will never get back.
He stumbled out of the bathroom with his pants around his ankles yelling "tie my shooes!"
He said I have a comfortable vagina. What does that even mean?
ill let you put your finger in a lot of things. but a ring is not one of them.
hes sooooo boring!!! I feel like I’m in a relationship with myself now. I have an 8 inch dildo under my bed, THATS how much I’m in a relationship with myself.
They want a bedroom just for their cats. And you thought we were gay.
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