I just woke up to a guy kissing me goodbye and leaving for class. I don't know where I am, don't have any clothes on, my underwear are gone, and the shoes I found with my dress aren't mine. He just walked in and gave me my phone. I was on my period. Come get me I will walk to the nearest intersection and wait.
It honestly took me longer to beat Ninja Turtles: Turtles in Time, than it did to have sex with her the first time we met.
She scratched my sunburn during sex. I didn't know whether to cry or cum
The next time you try to involve a tickle me Elmo in my orgasm, I'm leaving you
Just made nicotine water. Ithink i'm having a heart attack.
I'm worried my skin won't stretch enough to handle this boner. Then what?
Just replaced the batteries in my vibrator without turning on the lights. I need to get laid.
The cop told us he we helped him pass his monthly bong quota. He almost ran out of room on the hood of his car..
my pupils became my eyes and i slept with a cloth in my mouth again
You need a sexual gate keeper
I am going to piss jack daniels before daylight.
Daylight. It is daylight. Who will give you a ride back?
I hope no one. I want to walk and have a bus hit me.
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
Sorry about the Christmas balls dude. At the time I thought they were festive as fk but I see now I've just spent too much time on the internet
I just had a flashback to us shaking up Gatorade mix and then inhaling it in your kitchen because it was funny. Now I can't stop laughing in work because that is the stupidest shit.
So i woke up on a park bench... Using my shoe as a pillow, cuddling a empty handle of vodka... Yet I'm still in my living room. Someone please tell me why all my vodkas gone? I'll deal with the park bench situation at a later time.
Randomize
