You stressed the importance of not breaking the seal too early... and then proceeded to piss your pants when you sneezed.
Damn it, I know in the morning I'm going to regret eating out of the trash...
My afternoon will now be spent googling genital warts. I think my life is over.
You're the only true friend I have, if true friendship is based off who would be there for me at 4am during a boxed wine crisis.
Btw, do you want me to fix this with a box of wine and a chick flick or is this more of a 'lets head to the strip club' problem? I'm just trying to analyze the emotional depth of the situation.
The guy who bit me so hard two nights ago that I had to put Neosporin on my nipple and the guy in my bed right now are two different people. Help
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
he's singing something in russian and knocking over my plants with his dick, get his drunk ass out of my apartment
HE STUCK IT IN THE FISHBOWL WTF
You made me drive your car so you could give the dude from the parking lot a BJ in the back seat. Classy.
If I don't get to have sex with him soon my entire female reproductive system is gonna climb out of my body and choke me to death
WHY HAVE SO MANY THING GONE IN MY BUTT ON THIS TRIP
the woman that waxes my lady parts just hugged me...
were you wearing pants?
no.
location: under the moon. please find me. need ride home.
You kept apologizing to your car for talking behind its back
So... my daughter's new girlfriend Is the daughter of the girl I dated on and off in college Who ran away because she got pregnant at my house party. My Legitimate daughter Is probably fucking my Illegitimate daughter...
Randomize
