I'm peeing chunks and puking liquid. Did I at least have fun last night?
You put your red cup in a chain link fence and kept telling me you could use it as a telescope
doctor said mango vodka does not count as my daily servings of fruit. damn.
today's workout consisted of me putting my fake in my sports bra and running to the liquor store.
Please. Last time I saw him I awkwardly pulled his rat tail until it got too weird
So getting drunk in honor of the bomb threat is legit right?
When we were texting for those few weeks, I some how established a crush on you. And its weird and wild and stupid and silly. But these things just have to be said sometimes to determine what's real and what is infatuation. And to suffer the consequences of five am drunk philosophy. No regrets.
Tried to land my foot on his shoulder and kicked him in the face. Then I fell into a homeless man's bike and posed with a buffalo head. How was your night?
He's getting Easter eggs filled with weed or Jell-O shots for his birthday
Safe to say we should stock up on nipple bandaids ladies
I gave her two orgasms and then we laid there and she ate jelly beans out of my belly button...that girls a keeper
Why the fuck is there raw bacon in my bra. I don't even have a stove.
Why in the hell is there a guy dressed up as a horse passed out in our kitchen.
happy birthday!
You like that 95% of the time I masterbate I think bout you?
Just wanna know what I can I do to earn the other 5%
I would like you to know, a bag of cheese cubes just attacked me at work.
Randomize
