If you're gonna cry pregnant again I'm not coming over.
the lady in the checkout infront of me had a case of beer, two 40 oz, and activia...really??i dont' think irregularity is her problem
You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
Captain Phil from deadliest catch died... im trying to think of a memorial fb status but "ill miss your crabs" doesnt sound right
He went around feeding all the high kids pretzels. He's like their god now
This is one of those times I wish I had a time machine so I could go back and punch myself in the face to make me realize what I need to do before it's too late
I mean I only got hit in the ass with ONE firework
I was basically just fingering myself and thinking about space.
Sometimes I wish I lived alone because there would be no one to judge me if I wanted to have whiskey and popcorn for breakfast.
Like don't initiate a threesome when we're all watching SPONGEBOB. That's like sacrilege.
Spoiler alert: my plans for Halloween are going to make our dealer's birthday look like a bunch of mormon ladies having a scrapbooking circle
He sent me a meme at 3am. Usually guys just send me booty calls that late. I think I'm in love
i think it’s okay to see him. you just can’t wind up with his penis in your mouth again
Yesterday I febreezed my bed in between gentleman callers
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
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