Haha na a cat just ran under your car. Howd that happen?
Probably a woman cat. Doesnt think things through
Just turned rock'em sock'em robots with my little cousin into a drinking game. Im drinking bourbon hes drinking hot chocolate.
the best part is my dad got arrested for the same thing at the same bar 30 years ago... so he cant be mad
The girls we hooked up with were hammered, pushing each other in a shopping cart into the sushi place and through the restaurant... One's a volunteer EMT. God help her patients.
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I'm unshowered, and since I've seen this episode of say yes to the dress, I've decided to go to the store and get a frozen pizza at 10:20 am. I'm crushing life.
So I walk in and he's teaching someone in London via Skype how to roll a blunt. I have new found respect for him.
Karaoke machines out. We're taking turns farting into the microphone. Shits going south fast. Definitely be awake when you get home.
if girls can go out in miniskirts and reveal their thongs, I should be able to wear a sheer dress with boyshorts with the word love bedazzled on my ass.
This is why you're my favorite.
I'm looking at some sugar baby profiles to get some insight on what we're up against.
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I just try to date guys based on what I need like I am trying to find an electrician now
You gays are geniuses
I lost a whole day of my life. Apparemtly I was using my deodrant as a phone. And is my phone there?
Lol yeah. Because I just woke him up to blow him for being hot.
He just stopped me mid blow job so he could text his wife asking for TacoBell.
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
Like sometimes I’ll be hangry but for dick
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