We were having sex on the balcony and this guy walked by, so drunkily i said "dont move, he cant see us if we dont move."
he stole me 6 pairs of frilly undies and proclaimed "your ass looks like a 5 in those. it'll be a 10 in these bad boys". every girl needs a gay bff.
Two man bar crawl was hectic. Just found leaves in my pocket.
I got a job at a micro-brewery. Now who made the bigger mistake, them or me?
Correct me if I'm wrong but the photo album titles "cause I've been drankin" and "baby jessica" should not belong to the same person.
We literaly had to peel your fingers off the jose cuervo bottle and lock it in someones room
Found her. Shes unconscious up against the room door. Her credit card is in the keycard slot
If you're that baked in a class full of people that know you're that baked you tend to offer up a peace offering. Its like the burrito of trust! If eaten you are now obligated to help maintain my grades and keep me from falling out of my chair. $3.75 a morning is worth it for that mafia type protection!
It has become abundantly clear why you give me pixie stix when you're drunk now...
Using a 12 year old as a wingman. Does that make me a bad person?
In other news my cocaine dealer got arrested for heaving some kid out of a fourth story window.
My tuesday consisted of speaking to a federal agent for two hours and watching a roving band of gypsies jump over a fire until 2:30am
Ive fucked up. im like a feral dog rabidly chasing an infrequent dream amidst a cataclysm of disaster
he pushed me in the lake knowing full well I had joints on me. that's drug-abuse!!
I thanked him for the booty call offer but told him I'd rather just do it myself
I shit like a lady though so that rarely happens
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